Media Heads Meet With Rove To Coordinate Campaign Strategy

From the Assimilated Press.

“Hilton Head Island, South Carolina – Executives from CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN & Fox met with White House Political Adviser Karl Rove in this luxurious resort community to discuss how they can best coordinate their efforts for the upcoming campaign in November. The first day of discussions focused on determining a set of themes upon which the fall campaign will be based. It was decided that the primary themes would be “strong leadership” and “staying the course.” Rove also received assurances from the assembled network executives that they would televise a series of weekly prime time addresses from President Bush leading up to election day that would serve to emphasize these themes. They also promised Rove that their broadcast and cable news operations would continue to maintain their current ten-to-one proportion of Republican to Democratic commentators throughout the entire election cycle.

On the second day of meetings, they were joined by Supreme Court Justices John Roberts, Antonin Scalia, and Clarence Thomas for the purpose of exploring the negative impact of a high minority turnout and how best to distinguish between legitimate Republican ballots and illegitimate Democratic ballots. No decision was reached but Scalia assured everyone present that if a problem arose it could be dealt with before the votes were counted.

The third day of planning saw the arrival of a large contingent of high level executives from the Diebold Corporation. Thomas Swidarski, CEO of Diebold, briefed the attendees on Diebold’s latest paperless recount-proof technology that uses Microsoft’s Windows Operating System as a platform. At the end of his presentation, he received a standing ovation and Karl Rove’s personal word that he would have the President send to Congress, early next year, legislation that would make Diebold voting machines mandatory in all 50 states and the District of Columbia.

On the final day of the conference, a private Boeing 767 arrived on the Island carrying a full load of Halliburton executives. They spent the day finalizing details on no-bid contracts that are scheduled to be awarded after the November elections. Later in the evening, after all the work was done, all of the participants were treated to a concert by Lee Greenwood and Toby Keith before heading home secure in the knowledge that the elections would go exactly as planned.

Publisher’s note: All of the meetings at Hilton Head Island were behind closed doors and off the record. No participants consented to be quoted and cameras were banned from the hotel lobby. However, Assimilated Press was able to talk to a number of hotel employees and lower ranking officials who provided us with the information that is in this story. We have guaranteed their anonymity to protect them from reprisals and dismissal.”

Sure it’s satire. I guess…